Erotic Grief

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Wellness Tools > Erotic Grief

Erotic Grief

Breaking down the phenomenon that relates to the erotic and sexuality that Yolo Akili Robinson has started to name erotic grief.

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Two people embrace and smile against a black background with text: "Honoring Our Erotic Grief by: Yolo Akili" and the BEAM (Black Emotional and Mental Health Collective) logo.

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Slide 1 — Cover Honoring Our EROTIC GRIEF
BY: YOLO AKILI (BEAM — Black Emotional and Mental Health Collective)

Slide 2 — Introduction In my work with men, especially with gay men on emotional wellness— I've noticed a phenomenon that relates to the erotic and sexuality that I have started to name erotic grief.

Slide 3 — Introduction (continued)

This is not a diagnosis. It's a framing for a phenomenon that I have witnessed. I have presented on this before—most notably at last years's Sex Down South Conference in Atlanta.

Slide 4 — Definition

Erotic grief is the somatic, spiritual, emotional and intra-psychic response to distorted sexual or erotic experiences that have violated us, embarrassed us, displeased us, or disappointed us in some way.

Slide 5 — Definition (continued)

These experiences of grief are rooted in the loss of our connection to ourselves and intimacy and the loss of hope for intimacy. They are also rooted in the belief that intimacy—sexual or emotional—will always be disappointing and that repair and healing are not possible.

Slide 6 — Erotic Grief Can Show Up From

  • Incompatibility of erotic/sexual philosophies and practices with partners (i.e. top/bottom/sides and other patriarchal centered sexual frameworks)
  • Unprocessed sexual disappointment and loss of pleasure
  • Lack of skills with conflict/intimacy/consent which become self fulfilling prophecies instead of skills building opportunities
  • Not being able to meet racist and ableist desirability standards: butt/dick size, sexual performance, weight, skin color, moisture expectations, libido

Slide 7 — Erotic Grief Can Show Up From (continued)

  • Failure to perform or receive sexual acts in ways you desire/or partners desire
  • Having sex with empty emotional gratification (when emotional gratification is what is consciously or unconsciously desired)
  • Uncontrollable and unwanted body responses to intimacy or even sexual assault

Slide 8 — Prompts To Help You Build A Grief Plan

  • I feel I am holding erotic grief from when _______________
  • I give myself permission to feel _______________
  • I release myself from _______________
  • I give gratitude to myself for _______________
  • I need support to _______________
  • To grieve my experiences, I am committing to _______________

Slide 9 — Affirmation (Repeat out loud)

I WILL HONOR MY EROTIC GRIEF AS I HONOR MY EROTIC GRIEF I GIVE SPACE FOR HEALING TO GROW AS I HONOR MY EROTIC GRIEF I GIVE NEW PLEASURE THE PERMISSION TO BLOOM WITHIN ME

More Images:

Two people embrace and smile against a colorful background with text reading, "Honoring Our Erotic Grief by: Yolo Akili" and the BEAM organization logo.
Two older men embrace and smile at each other. Text discusses the concept of "erotic grief" in the context of emotional wellness for gay men. BEAM logo appears at the bottom right.
Two people sit closely together with their foreheads touching; text discusses observations presented at the Sex Down South Conference in Atlanta. BEAM logo is at the bottom right.
A definition of "erotic grief" appears above two men embracing and smiling. The text explains erotic grief as a response to negative sexual or erotic experiences.
Text graphic with the heading "Definition (continued)" describing grief as rooted in loss of connection, intimacy, and hope, with doubts about repair and healing; BEAM logo at the bottom.
A list explaining sources of erotic grief, with a photo of two people smiling and raising their hands to each other, and the BEAM Collective logo at the bottom.
Two people embrace against a black background with text describing sources of erotic grief, including failed desires, empty gratification, and unwanted responses. BEAM logo appears at the bottom.
A list of grief plan prompts with fill-in-the-blank statements on a black background, titled "Prompts To Help You Build A Grief Plan" from BEAM Collective.
Text graphic with an affirmation about honoring "erotic grief" and allowing space for healing and pleasure, with BEAM logo and simple abstract leaf design on a dark background.
Two books are featured: "Body Rites" by Shena J. Young, a healing workbook for Black survivors of sexual trauma, and "The Body Is Not An Apology" by Sonya Renee Taylor, about radical self-love.
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